Wednesday

Jul. 25th, 2007 09:24 am
mynewplace: (blue persian)
I am the princess in the tower.

Sharp pain in my right TMJ all night, don't know where that came from, but my god it was a bitch. Abdominal pain, know where that came from, no less a bitch.  Feel like shit, so I decided to stay home today.  I have more gas in my car, so I let Brent take it, and he locked me in as he left. I felt so safe and secure.  And unable to travel, as I do not have his key to his rental nor do I now have a key to my own home. 

Thus I am locked in, like the princess in the tower.

First full surly gurly day, so I'm glad I'm staying home.  The first two are usually the worst.  I'm going to have to turn on the t.v. or some music, because the idiot upstairs has ONCE AGAIN left his alarm clock on and forgotten to come home. He must be getting LOTS of pootang, because he never seems to sleep here.  The only reason I notice is because that damned clock starts going off and no one is there to stop it.  

I'm going to do laundry today, and another load of dishes.  And I'm going to eat, dammit.  Poor Brent took sandwiches for lunch. I didn't cook last night, I wasn't up to it, and I am running out of groceries again.  Eating is expensive. 

The cats are fighting something fierce.  It's weird. Although they are approximately the same size, I know that Suzi, the long haired one, eats less than Mitzi. She will actually step back from a full bowl if she thinks Mitzi might want the food. It's driving Brent nuts because of his sense of justice. Mitzi gets more, and that's how Suzi appears to want it. I don't know if their tussles are over food or house dominance or just exercise. But Mitzi was actually huffing during this last fight.  It's no wonder that the vets said Suzi was six months younger than Mitzi. She must not be developing as quickly since she's not eating as much.

Friday

Jun. 29th, 2007 01:12 pm
mynewplace: (Default)
Was going to do a meme from Leigh, but I just did it on June 2.  I guess any fact you come up with off the top of your head qualifies as random, but my head isn't working properly today. 

I feel like shit. It's surly gurly full day one, and I'm nauseated, lethargic, and pissy.  I think the trip this evening is a contributing factor as well.  Several people have suggested perhaps I shouldn't go, since I had a minor meltdown over it with Brent yesterday evening, and turns out Scarlett had one before bedtime last night as well.  Judging from the things he said yesterday while we discussed my issues with my father, Brent would likely tear daddy's head off if he experienced a day or two with them. It's nice to think someone would be so aggressively defensive on my behalf; I've never really known anyone who was willing to stand up for me before. And believe me, I've felt the lack of that in my life.  

I never really thought about it, but if I continue to feel this way all afternoon I might not be able to MAKE the drive this weekend. My muscles are starting to feel weak. Wonder how much of this is mental, and how much is physical. I really feel as if I could throw up. I bet that's stress. Although, I do feel that way on occasion with my period as well. Damn. They're going to be SO disappointed. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I might not be able to go. 

I think I'll try and find a couple of days to take off, and go then.

Friday

Jun. 1st, 2007 08:35 am
mynewplace: (Default)
Surly gurl arrived yesterday evening, explaining away all my exhaustion pain & health concerns.  She's welcome this month, since I've done plenty of things that could affect a bebbeh. Brent will be glad.  And that's all I'm gonna say about him right now, because he needs to be severely beaten. 

Moving right along, I would like to change the colors of my layout for the next few months BUT!! I want to preserve what I'm currently using, because I love the color combinations.  I expect I'll want to return to it at some point.  Can someone tell me how to do this? Should I just write it down or something?

'Nita, I read your story.  I would like to offer some minor grammatical/spelling comments, but I haven't had time because I had to come to work.  I don't know that I'll get time while I'm AT work.  I like the story, it sounds very autobiographical (based on what I've read and we've talked about in the past).  I want to reiterate, the changes are VERY minor, just the evidence of typing a sentence, then rereading and changing things here and there - sometimes a word gets left behind, etc.  The structure is well done and I love the way you just slip into memory once you pick up the camera.  

Now.  I've got 10 mg of Adderall and the remainders of half a Lortab in my system, so I'm cookin' with gas this morning. Thus, I'm outta here for a few hours.  Bye bye bye...

Sunday

May. 6th, 2007 04:02 pm
mynewplace: (bitch please)
Surly gurl is here in full force.  I had to run to the store earlier this afternoon, and became ill before I even got halfway through.  Nothing untoward or disgusting, just pain and nausea and fear that it wouldn't remain untoward. I called mom and told her I might not be able to pick up Scarlett - she'll bring her home for me.  I keep drifting off while sitting on the sofa, so I haven't even bothered to watch television. 

I spent several hours with the cats yesterday to monitor their recovery.  When I got home Saturday morning I checked both their tummies, and they had both pulled out every single stitch. Two days. That's all they lasted.  But their incisions remain sealed, and their tummies aren't quite as hot today as they were yesterday.  They each have a knot at the base of their incisions, and they're both still squeaky when I touch their shaved area. (Of course I'm not hurting them, just examining them.)  I'll have to take them back probably next Saturday to get another ear mite treatment, and let the vet look at them. Both cats have also been hissing and growling at one another the entire they've been home. THAT hadn't changed when I got home this morning. However, now I can't find Suzi. She won't answer me when I call, she's not in any of the normal hiding places, I'm so frustrated I could scream.  

Gotta go start some laundry. And see if I can't find something else to eat. I wish I'd brought my leftovers from dinner last night. I had the tilapia at Logans, it was very good, and there was a lot left. But I left it at Brent's, and he's at that wedding this afternoon. 

Oh, by the way. The dinner with his friends went very well. I'm anxious to hear what they say to him, and a bit doubtful that he'll tell me EVERYthing. That's mostly because I think they like me very well (the feeling is QUITE mutual) and it's probaby going to freak him out a bit. Maybe not. It's hard to guess these days. 

My head hurts. I fucking hate this, and I'm ready to quit having female organs.

mynewplace: (boohoo)
I hate these first few days of the surly week. I really SHOULD be at home. But I stayed home yesterday, foolishly and without real reason, thus I cannot overcome the guilt in order to take yet another day. So here I am, struggling to get from one thought to another. 

This is a bad week, money-wise.  It's rent-due week, and my landlord hasn't yet called, so I'm toting around impossible amounts of cash in my wallet. I bet the landlord is on vaca for spring break.  I'm SO glad I get paid again on Friday. I would not make it otherwise. I'm going to go home for lunch every day this week, I think.  (That's a lie. I bet I go to McDonalds as soon as I finish this post.)  EDIT:  Oh yeah.  Mom is looking in the paper for apartments for me. She found a trailer, but I'm afraid it might be too far in the wrong direction. Still, it's nice, since I'm not up to looking myself right now.  I'm tellin' ya - first few days of surly, I think in pidgin English.   Just. Can. Not. Process.

I have to try and tackle my house this week as well. A little at a time, every evening after work. I wish the need to straighten up would come to an end somehow.  In my current state the idea of straightening up for the rest of ever makes me incredibly tired and sad. What a fucking drama queen. 

I wish I had a heating pad.  I must force myself to buy one next good payday, because very soon Scarlett will be needing one as well.

I'm wishing an awful lot. That's never good. 

My therapist seems to think that my inability to trust any man with whom I am in a relationship is a problem.  Frankly, I don't see it at such. Not at all.  Why should I ever completely trust anyone with my heart? When have I ever not been disappointed? He wants to address it again at our next visit. It's not like I don't eventually trust, I merely go through a long period during which I check up on any activity I view as suspicious. My therapist is very good at veiling his opinions, but he has trouble hiding this one from me. There's a touch of incredulity in his voice and face when we talk about what it takes to convince me that a man is trustworthy.  Okay, so I require years and a series of sound proofs before I begin to relax, before I stop double-checking every questionable phone call or absence.  What woman over 40 doesn't have trust issues? 

Our psychiatrist recommended a therapist for Scarlett.  Her office called today to try and fit me into a cancellation, but I still have $220+ on my family deductible (surprise to me!) so I couldn't afford the visit.  I'll see her next month, then Scarlett will see her the following week.  I like that they want to see me first to get an idea what issues I feel need to be addressed.  I think I'll like this therapist.  

Okay, I just re-read that paragraph about my own therapist.  I realized that I've been trying to get some sort of "read" on his opinions ever since I first met him. He is indeed VERY good at hiding them, and I'm glad, because that's crucial if a therapist hopes to be impartial and effective. And it amuses me to think that I've finally gotten some reaction from him, especially over something as simple as my trust issues. It also amuses me that I'm becoming more aware of my efforts to "read" people.  I must have very strong shields, because I don't pick up emotion from people unless I make an effort.  I don't know, maybe that means that I'm less empathic than I first thought.  No, I don't think so. I've worked very hard to hide myself from people, and I've just done a good job, that's all.  Brent laughed at me this weekend when I said something about being empathic. He's so fucking clueless sometimes. Tres' pathetique. 

In final news, the head of the government department where I work had her baby this weekend.  She named her Savannah Rene.  I'm so fucking pissed.  I was going to name my next child Savannah Rose.  Yeah right, like I'm going to have a "next child".  But if I do, dammit, I'm namin' her that anyway.  I PICKED THAT NAME FIRST!  grrr
mynewplace: (Default)

Sunday - didn't get much out of the sermon. There was one sentence I did my damnedest to write down, and went through six pens with no luck. Finally gave up. 

Went to Brent's yesterday evening, and he was quite a bit of an asshole. I actually got to the coat closet once to leave. Of course he did a lot of apologizing to keep me from leaving, but if I really wanted to I would have gone no matter how much he apologized.  It's not so much that I wanted to stick around for the assholery, more that I hate to drive at night and I'm lazy. We called in to work and I was bored out of my mind by ten this a.m.   

Took Scarlett to see The Last Mimzy this evening, and it was multi-delightful.  Can't wait to read the book. Also can't wait to see it again, and buy it.  Scarlett was VERY quiet and pensive as we left - partially because she is missing me quite a bit, and partially because the movie was so emotionally stirring. She was feeling a desire to be as "special" as the little girl in the movie. It's not something she said out loud, more something I could just sense. She was entranced by the telekenesis and telepathy, etc. 

Things are getting weird between Brent and I, and they're going to continue to get weirder. I'm starting to sense that he needs me to let go of him. He doesn't want that, but I think I need it as much or more than he does. He may come to me of his own accord. He may not. But I know I've done my best by him, and that's all I can do. This affection is not going to disappear any time soon, but I'm not going to tolerate boredom so well as the days get warm again. 

Ate three potatoes, sliced thin and fried with onions, then slathered with sour cream.  Can anybody say "Time for the surly gurl!"

mynewplace: (Default)

HA!

I'm taking Scarlett to TGI Friday's this evening after work, so she can taste the new green bean appetizer. They are the shizz, I kid you not.    Brent and I had them a few weeks ago, and I can't stop thinking about them. She doesn't normally like green beans but neither do I. 

I invited Brent to go along, but he had a previous engagement at the grandparents. Today and tomorrow are going to be my worst surly gurly days, thus I will not be in any shape to drink much or spend the night Saturday. I fucking hate being a surly gurl. Makes me surly. rawr

I must needs do work today, but I am ready. Double cup of coffee this morning, and most of a bottle of Diet Coke. Have I mentioned in this forum how much I love Gevalia Coffees? LOVE.  L.O.V.E.  I have like six boxes in my freezer. Unfortunately only one of them is Mocha, but the rest are Amaretto, so I'm good. I don't even like Starbucks. But mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmGevalia. 

I'm going to try and lay off the pop this weekend, my skin is MAD-dry and I think it might be a result of not drinking enough water. So water is on tap this weekend, with caffeine pills to perk me up.  I know, caffeine is one of the things that's drying me out, but so are the sodium and chemicals in the Diet Coke. BAD  Diet Coke. I spank you. Wamme ta spank you? I'll spank you, I'll spank your naughty butt... mmmmmmmm  SUPAHSTAHH!

Okay, I'm done.  Or better yet...

We're thru sangin' naow!  *teehee*

Wednesday

Jan. 24th, 2007 11:18 am
mynewplace: (Default)
You know, for all the shit I've put up with these last couple days, I've been in a remarkably good mood. Good sex will do that for a woman. But I digress. I am in a tenacious battle with my insurance company because they say I STILL haven't met my personal prescription deductible DESPITE THE FACT THAT I PAID OVER $100 FOR A SINGLE PRESCRIPTION IN AUGUST. Stupid bastards. My back and body hurt due to the stupid female thing I'm doing right now, and I am coming home wiped out. Today is the worst day of the female thing, and I SHOULD have stayed at home to deal with it. But I don't, because that wouldn't be kosher. A man stays home when he cuts his fucking finger. We women are stuck PIGS once a month but by god we'd better strap on a couple mattresses and tuff it out mutherfucker. siiiiiiiiiiiigh

I finished my taxes and am ready to mail them. I don't think the IRS "free efiling" is really free. I believe I've ended up paying every year. No matter, I'll get it taken care of. Need to transfer money from one checking account to the other because, well it doesn't matter why, but I haven't done it because I'm afraid it will cost money, blahblahblah. My mind is on edge today, and there's nothing I can do to ease it. I want to go home, goddamnit.

The foot doctor called. AGAIN. I am NOT going to reschedule, I can't afford it and I can't wear that stupid brace they gave me, and I'm just going to fucking hobble forever, now leave me the fuck alone. Can't see my psychiatrist, can't get my meds, can't see my therapist, can't can't can't.

Fuck.

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