Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad. smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay.
I'm having dinner with skyearthandsea after work today! I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway. She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited! Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud. She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall. It's called The Wanderer. She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library. I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc. Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention.
Brent told me he loved me last night. Yes, he was drunk. No, he didn't mean it "that way". I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart." I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes. He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion. I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection. He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time. Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that. I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk. And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober. I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye. I've taught myself to be this way. However, in romance, I'm just the opposite.
I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal. In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon. I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink. Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts. I'm going to have to figure out something.
Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain. So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.
I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure. I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi. No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.
My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here. It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does. I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.
Okay. I think I'm done for now.
Had a GREAT time with my cousin last night, and am still surprised. We got along so well. She even offered me money to help out because she and her fiancee have been "so blessed". I cried. I thought I'd never get home, it was eleven p.m. I'm glad I didn't go to Brent's, it was nice to have the silence to myself.
MUST go to Brent's tonight to start packing. We've got nine days. We're both such horrid procrastinators, it's shameful. We must needs find boxes.
Dinner with Courtney tonight, I've GOT to hit the bank first. I'm thinking this business of buying enough groceries for one meal is kinda neat. Tres' European. I don't have time to shop every evening though. Keeps me from buying too much extra crap.
I have leftover squash casserole. I am pleased as a schoolgirl on holiday. nsingman have you ever seen Nadine Jansen? Whoo. Awesome Boobies.
SO MANY entries I want to go back and read again, and comment. And see pics that I can't view due to my employers ignorant photobucket restrictions.
You all DO realize I'll go internet silent by Saturday, don't you? I'll be engrossed in the last novel, and I intend to read every waking moment in which I am not working. I am going to cry because it's over. It's been a lovely ten years of fantasy and subsequent self-discovery. So talk to me now!
GOOOOOOD weekend. Yummy dinner, yummy attention, delightful conversation involving "moved beyond her" and "missed you SO much" and "give me time". VERY happy sighing today.
In other news, found more green plastic in the litter box. Also found a full-sized complaint lodged directly OUTSIDE the litter box. I mean big-ol' pile o'shit. But the box is cleaned, the floor is Cloroxed, and the box is repositioned so the poopoo smell won't tempt a kitty to repeat THAT cute trick.
Found the ex girlfriend's MySpace, as well as the ex-girlfriend's current live-in "Mr. Wonderful" (NOT!) & am not impressed. Am quite relieved to find she looks more like me than I ever thought. Build-wise more than face wise, although there are similarities. Am also vain enough to be relieved that I'm prettier. In my own humble opinion anyway.
Have taken four half-Lortabs in the last three days. None needed yet today. Must get my own prescription filled to see how well they're going to work at the strength my Doc prescribed. Am still getting up at 5:30-ish, and waking too often in the night. However, slept much better with my back against Brent's. Also need to call my psych and ask if what I'm taking could raise my blood pressure. (TO 150/104 OMG!!) We're going to look at another apartment tonight after work. IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! HUZZAH!
And that's all for now.
5:30 a.m. I am ON VACATION dammit! I laid there about 30 minutes, but couldn't shut off the music in my head.
What I wouldn't give for only one night,
a little relief in sight,
some day when times weren't so tight
Something I'm taking is surpressing my appetite. And still making me nervous, or fidgety. I don't like it. You know, it might be the Lamictal. I think I remember feeling this way when I first started taking it.
I just don't like it. I'm gonna try bed again.
My psych has told me to take my Lamictal & Cymbalta at dinner to avoid stomach upset and allow the meds to make me relax. They do indeed upset my stomach on occasion, so if I forget to take them right at dinner, I don't take them at all.
Took them on time last night, and was pleased to find they relaxed me and made me drowsy.
But for the second night in a row, I've woken up every 90 minutes to 2 hours. This is NOT normal for me, and it's quite stressful. I'm sleepy, but not able to sleep well. And I think I'm grinding my teeth again.
This is why I hate trying to take psychotropic meds. It seems to take forEVER to get a combination that works, and the trial and error period can exacerbate other issues.
I'm working today for a few hours, while Scarlett sits at home engrossed in television. We saw our psychiatrist this morning, and he was willing to allow me to experiment with her Adderall dosage, but did
not feel it was necessary. I know that saying to a psychiatrist "I've talked to lots of people who can't believe she takes SO MUCH Adderall" would be a mistake. (and I didn't say that) Clearly her dose is working for her, although she has some trouble getting to sleep at night. But the thought of what must be underlying all those behavior issues, to make them require a high dose of amphetamine to control them, concerns me in some intangible way.
It probably doesn't help that I can't seem to get myself on a decent schedule to take my own medication. I haven't taken it in a week or more, and haven't ever taken it "regularly". I know I need to give these meds a chance to help me, but I don't want the kind of feeling they induce in me. I want to feel the way Adderall and Codeine make me feel. Which makes me sound like a whiny spoiled brat. Yes, it does, don't tell me it doesn't, because I recognize that sound quite well. It's the same sound Brent makes.
I'm craving healthy foods. I am going to buy some very good things to cook this week, and then hope that I'll be able to come up with some more cash next week to feed myself before I get paid again. I hope I don't end up buying too much and then losing some to rot. I should go to the grocery more often, I think. It just seems to require so much time to buy, then prep food to take along to work for lunch, that the idea makes me want to throw up my hands in despair. I've really got to try and ditch that mindset. It would probably help if I could ditch the person in my life who feels the same way and so easily influences me toward despondency. Brent is SUCH a DOWNER.
I had a horrendous day yesterday. That was a large reason for my subsequent self-hatred. I'll probably go into it later, but I just don't have time right now. I should be working.
Moving right along, I would like to change the colors of my layout for the next few months BUT!! I want to preserve what I'm currently using, because I love the color combinations. I expect I'll want to return to it at some point. Can someone tell me how to do this? Should I just write it down or something?
'Nita, I read your story. I would like to offer some minor grammatical/spelling comments, but I haven't had time because I had to come to work. I don't know that I'll get time while I'm AT work. I like the story, it sounds very autobiographical (based on what I've read and we've talked about in the past). I want to reiterate, the changes are VERY minor, just the evidence of typing a sentence, then rereading and changing things here and there - sometimes a word gets left behind, etc. The structure is well done and I love the way you just slip into memory once you pick up the camera.
Now. I've got 10 mg of Adderall and the remainders of half a Lortab in my system, so I'm cookin' with gas this morning. Thus, I'm outta here for a few hours. Bye bye bye...
Today it's a mixture of half an adderall and half a lortab. I did have to lay down again after I took them, but now I'm feeling pretty damned good. Slight headache, but able to move and by god I'm not going to waste it sitting in this fucking chair. This house is a goddamned wreck.
But before I go, a funny:
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Jane wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive" He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison." He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Jane watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit. About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Jane's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!
They are too cute, I can't resist posting this peekchure again. I keep hearing weelittle voices saying "We gonna gitchu!"
Not much to tell today. Went to the retiree's office to pick up some files. Told Brent he needed to straighten up after a drunken phone call last night which he does not remember. As a result of emailing with him I've come to a new realization - there are times when he needs me to tell him to kiss off and go to bed, and there are times when he's drunk that he needs to hear I love him, despite what he's saying. This is becoming more and more like raising a child. (a/n: yep. That's what he needed.)
I wanna do the pic meme that is going around fortysomething but I never seem to get around to it. Scarlett's in bed now so I can't take a pic of her room. I want a picture of my goddess/madonna statue to use as an icon, but keep putting that off too. I love her.
I took half an Adderall today - 10 mg. It wasn't NEARLY as bad as last week, but I could tell it helped me along. I crashed kinda early, but I still appreciated the boost. I do feel far more tired after I come down off an Adderall. This will require further experimentation.
I'm not going to worry about anything else tonight. I hope I can maintain the lack of concern for a few hours tomorrow. I need a break from worry.
I actually turned down blackberry cobbler yesterday. Wasn't that I couldn't eat it, I just didn't care. Kinda odd.
My zooooooooooooom! slowed down just a wee bit this morning, around 11:30. My usual lunch time. I just figured it was from being SO high for SO long that my body was finally crashing. Went to the bank, went to Wendys to try their new chicken salad Freshetta. I got fries because they don't carry potato chips any more, and started on the fries as I drove back to work. Couldn't finish them, they were tasting ok but felt funny in my mouth and I just didn't want them. So I dug the sandwich out, and noshed a bit.
I couldn't finish it! And this is no huge sandwich. I thought "WTF?" but I didn't push it, because I didn't see the point. I wonder if my appetite is really cutting back, or if I'm just too bizzybrained to eat.
No matter. The pop at lunch is perking me back up, so I'm gonna get crackin' again. (and yes, I'm drinking a bottle of water between each diet pop, plus trying to cut back after lunch time) I'm starting to feel a bit cottonmouthed, which is a normal side effect, but that will simply make me drink more water, which should help keep other side effects at bay.
Still zooomin'............ No major issues yet, no crash yet. Can NOT eat a glazed donut while on this med, the food doesn't want to cooperate. Wasn't really hungry anyway, was more craving sugar than anything. Probably shouldn't drink any more pop for a while either. If I crash, THEN I'll have another pop.
Had sushi for lunch, light, healthful, appetizing. Hope it sticks with me!
ADDERALL FUCKING ROXXXXX!!!!
Anybody ever seen the King of the Hill episode where they mistakenly put Bobby on Ritalin? It's not like that. It's like at the end, when they finally give some to Luanne. *giggle*