mynewplace: (Default)
Some of my favorite pictures for the beginning of the week.

I'm going to try and get the first one added to my layout. THAT is what the sun looks like a lot of the time right now. I'm getting headaches from the glare. I have sunglasses, but keep forgetting them, blahblahblah. It feels like my body is failing me. Stupid body.

I watched Brent's mom walk down the stairs yesterday and thought "My god. Look how limber she is! She's gonna outlive me." I hope I'm wrong, only because I think she's pushing 60, and that doesn't give me much time. But if I went to the doctor and told her EVERYthing that was wrong with me, it would cost me hundreds of dollars to get it all checked out. And most of it is weight related - even the arthritis. Stupid body. Stupid inhabitant.

COACH DOG!!   I always think of
[profile] kokopelleigh when I see this picture.
She's all about the matching accessories.

I SO WANT one of these dogs.  I think this one is a silver lab.
Look at its eyes!  I'm a sucker for blue eyes.  Look at the love!

This is Winter.  Isn't she amazing? 
The camera loves her.

And this is Honey.  A blonde Dachsund.
Isn't she sexy? Well you know, dog-sexy.

mynewplace: (boohoo)
I am so tired of talking about pain. Physical pain, that causes any joint and muscle to hurt when it's used, causes my knees to seize up if I sit too long, prohibits long periods of standing, makes me ache and bitch and run a fever.

But when pain is all you can think about, it becomes all you can talk about as well. I grow quite silent when I feel like this - the way I do today. No rain threatening, but it's cold enough in this building to make me hurt. The back of my thighs, the knuckles closest to my hands, the outside of my broken foot. If I were to get up and go to the rest room, the knees would set in, along with the ankles, and lets not forget those two scratches between my toes where my cats have freaked out while rubbing against my leg.

Sugar helps a little. I guess I'd better find a bit of Excedrin as well. I hate this, because I can't seem to be happy, and the ache is the primary reason that nothing pleases me. Brent hates to see me unhappy, which I find remarkably endearing, but he doesn't have time to lay down beside me and hold me for about two days while his body heat allows me to come back to myself. That's okay, I don't have time either.

It's supposed to be almost 80 degrees today, but I need a blanket and a hot toddy.
mynewplace: (I NO DO EET)

Too fucking hilarious. Courtesy of

Joined a new community [profile] invisiblyill That's invisibly ill, for people with illnesses that aren't readily obvious. There's a lot of coping required of people who have problems that aren't visible to the general public.  Not to mention the coping required to deal with each of the illnesses.  Strange how many people have multiple problems, sometimes one brought on by another.  You can learn a lot from LJ. 

In other news, there is no news.  Still trying to get the same stack of stuff off my desk that's been here for over a week.  Why, you ask? Because I can't find a shit to give and only do something to one or two pieces of stuff before I go back to spider, or back to LJ, or back to yahoo.  

And no, I have no comment about Heath Ledger, except it's a shame to see another young star gone.  I think enough has been said by others.  
mynewplace: (2 cents)

I'm alive. I don't have any faith that I will be able to say all I want in the 20 minutes left here at the office. I haven't typed in so long that my error ratio has been HORRENDOUS today.  My hands are going to sleep all the time, this year might be the year of carpal tunnel, much as last year was the year of blood pressure. 

Still internet-less at home, will be for at least another payday or two. Don't care, except that I MISS YOU PEOPLE! OMG I miss you so much!  I've gone to several journals to catch up, but haven't hit everyone yet.  I will do better next week because my boss will be out of town four days. 

I recieved a stunning tennis bracelet with a heart shaped charm on the latch for Christmas from Brent. The charm has a tiny ruby set in it, and I love it very muchly. I know I'd implied I was expecting jewelry of another sort.  But he is not ready for that. I am quite confused right now, I might not be ready either. Time will tell.

I have a new cat at my house.  She doesn't have a name yet, won't answer to ANYthing, and is a bossy little bitch. I think I'm going to call her Goldie, she has wonderful gold highlights in her fur.  She is marked like a bobcat or some sort of wild cat. And she's pregnant. Should drop her kitten-load in a week or so.   That's another wait and see situation - Leigh says she has home for at least 3 kittens (I think) and I'm sure we won't have trouble placing any of them.  However, I can't keep 3 adult cats.  So there will be some home-finding later, probably in March or so. 

I've drawn a blank. I'm so overwhelmed with information, and so aggravated that my fingers are numb, that I can't think of anything else left to say.  So I will return to reading your journals and trying to catch up on my email.  I had 138 emails in my Yahoo account this afternoon, and 104 at work.  I love being missed!!


Nov. 6th, 2007 12:49 pm
mynewplace: (Default)
Blah blah blah, I'm a filthy tramp. 

Not really, I just like to say that.  

I had two red mole-like places punched this morning to test for basal cell carcinoma. Two places burned off, and a skin tag clipped.  I bared my breasts to a man of likely Muslim belief who was serving as resident in my dermatologist's office.  My dermatologist is a skinny beautiful woman who wears jeans and no lab coat. She is a MASTER injection artiste, and I felt very little to nothing, despite the punch thingies being done.  One burned place is irritated because it's beneath my clothing and it's rubbing a bit. 


I don't want to talk about looking at property, or jumping through hoops with a mortgage broker. 

I don't want to talk about bad grades and school meetings that are going to be postponed due to scheduling. 

I don't want to talk about the fact that my mother feels "okay" instead of "good". 

Let's see.....

Brent is good.
Money is bad.
Home is warm and cool, appropriately.
I'm currently on five drugs, trying to start #6. 
I want to go home. 

I think that's all. Bleh.
mynewplace: (oh canada)

Ummm, do you know where I can get some Lycra spandex leopard-print leggings?

Happy birthday [profile] beldar I don't know you very well, but you're certainly welcome to come along for the roller coaster ride that is [personal profile] sapphirescarlet  Feel free to touch the monkeys, and please don't keep your hands inside the car.

Not much to say yet today.  Scarlett is doing quite well at getting off to school, although she drags her feet if I don't walk through the steps with her every day.  That's okay, though.   I don't have to get ready until after she leaves.  In fact, her departure at 6:45 gives me time to get on the computer, check my email and Live Journal, and kinda wake up more.  For some reason that builds my energy level.  Every morning when the alarm goes off I start thinking of ways I can miss work or go in late. By the time I have finished my computer play, I'm ready to face the day. 

Got a new icon, courtesy of [profile] gymorama.  He's my primary "maker" of animated icons nowadays.  I have been hearing new lyrics to songs in my head for several days now.  Just a creative spurt, I guess.  

I've only been taking three pills for the last several days.  For some reason I thought I'd put my blood pressure pills in my bottle where I keep everything.  But I hadn't, and I kept thinking that they weren't supposed to be blue, they were supposed to be white.  I was right, so I found them and took one today.  Hope it helps these nagging headaches when I wake up.

Brent is VERY MUCH looking forward to the weekend.  He's horny and lonely.  I miss him, too.  He's not ready to talk about anything more than what we have now.  I have been bringing it up once in a while, but I can't help it.  I drive by a 3 bedroom house for lease on my street EVERY DAY.  It's $800 a month, and has a basement where he could set up his drum kit.  We could save SO MUCH damned money. And I could leave the roaches behind.  siiiiiiiiiiiiigh

Yes, I'm still having trouble with the damned things.  I've been MUCH more conscientious regarding my kitchen, rinsing dishes before loading them in the dishwasher,  keeping the sink, stove and counters clean with bleach, and spraying roach spray into all the cracks every few days.  The spray is supposed to last six weeks, but after just a few days I start seeing roach poopie on the places where I spray.  I made myself a little sick with it yesterday, and didn't get it off my hands when I washed - so it got on my contacts and I couldn't wear them.  The bitch of it all is I actually saw the first one in the living room this morning.  Of course I sprayed it, made myself a little sick with the spray again, but that's proof to me that the spray isn't doing the job.  Which fucking pisses me off because it takes an act of God to get my landlord to do anything.  Goddammit.  I guess I'll have to move the cats to Brent's one weekend and DEMAND that he hire an exterminator. I don't know what else to do.  I'm sick of things going wrong and him not taking care of them.  I have a list of several things now: the mildew on the laundry room ceiling has been there over a year.  I suspect the carpet in the hall is ruined because it got wet when the ceiling leaked from the washing machine upstairs.  Now the light fixture in the hallway has a short and won't work.  And the fucking roaches, which originally moved in when the girls upstairs moved out.  I did NOT have them before that, dammit.

Okay. I'm going to try to work now.  Everybody in my section is gone for two days, so I'm the ONLY person answering phones.  My boss is sick, too.   It's nice for things to be quiet, but I have a harder time working when he's not here.  All I want to do is play.  I don't have SHIT for games on this damned computer. 

Well, I guess I had more to say than I thought.


Sep. 13th, 2007 01:49 pm
mynewplace: (Default)
 Second day with a nagging pain in the front of my head, above my left eyebrow.   I woke yesterday morning at 4:30 to a spinning room, and I've not felt right ever since.  I made an emergency visit to my doctor yesterday a.m., and she put me on a BP med. Started it today. We'll see.  

Scarlett had another meltdown yesterday evening, kinda went off and on all evening long.  She is NOT feeling well, appears to be a mild cold with no infection, but it's draining her quickly.  I left her at home today with no t.v. and no online access.  She's resting, and a bit restless, which is fine.  Her birthday is tomorrow. I got her some Pokemon cards, trying to accept something I don't particularly like.  

Last night there was an insistent aggressive scratching noise that pulled me out of bed at 11 p.m.  I thought Mitzi had gotten stuck in Scarlett's closet or something, but when I got to the living room, there were both cats, staring at the front door - which was vibrating from the scratching on the other side!  Scared the shit outta me, so I called 911.  The scratching stopped, but while I was on the phone with the police, it resumed further down the wall, close to the sidewalk.  The dispatcher said he'd send someone to look around, so I hung up, grabbed my broom, and waited.  The scratching stopped, but nothing walked past my window or made any further noise.  I went back to bed, and the cop showed up. TWENTY MINUTES LATER.   Charleston's finest, ya'll.  He found nothing, but I figure it was a fox or a possum or raccoon.  Or a fucking rat. 

I dreamed last night that Mitzi had a hole in her shoulder from falling against a bolt sticking out of a chair.  The vet took for EVER to work on her, spent all his time working on a horse in the next room, which kept kicking him.   Women were having their nails done in the waiting room.  Mitzi was so patient, and I felt SO horrible for her.  Poor kitty. 

Brent has asked to attend Scarlett's birthday party. How sweet!  Scarlett is very happy that he wants to come and has said "Of course!"   

Now I've got to do some work or something. I feel like crap.  My head pain won't go away. 


Aug. 8th, 2007 10:02 am
mynewplace: (Default)
I took yesterday off work, because my head hurt and I was nauseous all day Monday.  Felt like crap.  Still don't feel good.  

Stayed with Brent last night instead of going for the sleep study.  I don't WANT that damned machine. I don't want yet ANOTHER thing to take care of every morning, and get sinus infections anyway.  No.  Fuck them.

Oh. And I had bad dreams all night.  Can barely remember them.  Don't want to really.

I am going to see this either the weekend before or the weekend after my birthday.  Dammit.  I am probably going to take Scarlett, as part of her birthday as well.  I asked Brent to take me, but he probably can't afford it.  I understand that, and it's cool.  It's probably something Scarlett & I should do together anyway.  

I'm coughing my head off this morning.  I hate cigarettes. 


Aug. 2nd, 2007 10:48 am
mynewplace: (sapphy)
I'm sitting here eating Parsnip Chips by Terra. I adore them, although I'm not fond of parsnips. I also love their mixed ones, and the spiced sweet potato. Sure, they're deep fried, but there are no transfats. And there's about 900 calories in a bag, but I don't eat them all in one day. Not usually anyway.

Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad. [profile] smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay.

I'm having dinner with [profile] skyearthandsea after work today!  I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway.  She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited!  Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud.  She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall.  It's called The Wanderer.  She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library.  I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc.  Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention. 

Brent told me he loved me last night.  Yes, he was drunk.  No, he didn't mean it "that way".  I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart."  I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes.  He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion.  I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection.  He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time.  Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that.  I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk.  And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober.  I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye.  I've taught myself to be this way.  However, in romance, I'm just the opposite. 

I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal.  In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon.  I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink.  Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts.  I'm going to have to figure out something. 

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain.  So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.  

I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure.  I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi.  No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.

My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here.  It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does.  I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.
Okay. I think I'm done for now.


Jul. 25th, 2007 09:24 am
mynewplace: (blue persian)
I am the princess in the tower.

Sharp pain in my right TMJ all night, don't know where that came from, but my god it was a bitch. Abdominal pain, know where that came from, no less a bitch.  Feel like shit, so I decided to stay home today.  I have more gas in my car, so I let Brent take it, and he locked me in as he left. I felt so safe and secure.  And unable to travel, as I do not have his key to his rental nor do I now have a key to my own home. 

Thus I am locked in, like the princess in the tower.

First full surly gurly day, so I'm glad I'm staying home.  The first two are usually the worst.  I'm going to have to turn on the t.v. or some music, because the idiot upstairs has ONCE AGAIN left his alarm clock on and forgotten to come home. He must be getting LOTS of pootang, because he never seems to sleep here.  The only reason I notice is because that damned clock starts going off and no one is there to stop it.  

I'm going to do laundry today, and another load of dishes.  And I'm going to eat, dammit.  Poor Brent took sandwiches for lunch. I didn't cook last night, I wasn't up to it, and I am running out of groceries again.  Eating is expensive. 

The cats are fighting something fierce.  It's weird. Although they are approximately the same size, I know that Suzi, the long haired one, eats less than Mitzi. She will actually step back from a full bowl if she thinks Mitzi might want the food. It's driving Brent nuts because of his sense of justice. Mitzi gets more, and that's how Suzi appears to want it. I don't know if their tussles are over food or house dominance or just exercise. But Mitzi was actually huffing during this last fight.  It's no wonder that the vets said Suzi was six months younger than Mitzi. She must not be developing as quickly since she's not eating as much.


Jul. 23rd, 2007 03:18 pm
mynewplace: (boohoo)
Fuck this. I'm so damned tired - and not just physically.  

Mentally, I'm tired from chasing rabbits round trees... 

"What if I die?"  
"Why don't I care enough to lose weight?"  
"What am I going to do for daycare when school starts again?" 
"What if Harry dies?"
"I still can't afford this apartment!"
"I saw another roach last night! OMG!"
"I hate this place and I want to go home!"
"I can't stand to listen to that voice for one. more. word. dammit."
"I don't wanna fix dinner."
"Why am I grinding my teeth?" (duh!)

Much as I despise my period, I wish it would just fucking START ALREADY.  

I'm so sick of this pre-surly gurl shit. 

Other'n 'at, my day's gone fairly well.
mynewplace: (Default)

Hi there. Miss me? 

I've been feeling ambivalent about the internet these days.  My mouse hand gets numb if I use it much. All the other health and body issues I've developed of late have made me a bit more self-aware and frustrated. I've had pain in various body parts for years, but in the last few weeks the pain has become more pronounced and worrisome.  My knees hurt EVERY time I take a step, and the pain increases the more I do, so that I'm starting to wonder if it's time for a visit to a specialist. My hips and ankles are in much the same condition.  I haven't gained a lot more weight since the beginning of the year, but I can't seem to make myself give a shit about trying to get it off. Other attempts have failed.  I am so disgusted with my life that food is one of the few pleasures remaining for me.  I'm growing sick of my physical appearance, and tempted to withdraw from Brent's life so that no one at all will see me naked any more. 

Self hatred is a lot harder to overcome than carbs and fats.  The stress of all the aspects of my life which are out of control and out of MY control has me living on cortisol these days.  I find it difficult to think about eating healthy when I can't afford healthy food and eating is the only drug that I can afford and use without the guilt of doing something illegal.

Scarlett's home, and we're having a nice time, despite events today that were frustrating.  She's been very well behaved.  I'm going to work tomorrow for a few hours - because I don't have enough annual leave to take four days off work. 

I'm sure I'll start my period this week. The primary focus of my brain is food and pain. That's always the signal that the surly gurl is on her way.


Jun. 5th, 2007 12:43 pm
mynewplace: (Default)
SOOOO much to say.  I hope I can remember it all. 

First of all - GOD BLESS YOU to gymorama for my book, which arrived yesterday afternoon.  It is beautiful. I have been waffling between "how incredibly vain of me to think I could write something publish-worthy" and "OMGSQUEEBOOK!" for well over 18 hours.  It is much love. 

For all of you who danced naked - HURRAY!  It worked wonders.  Brent is contrite, properly horrified at his behavior, and currently fearful of repeating it.  ALL good things.  He LOVES the book.  He skimmed, and read, and re-read; cried a little, read out loud to me while I cried, read some more, called Jamie and read, then cried again.  He's such a mush-pot.  There is no wonder that he makes me crazy.  

Oh, and by the way? He has NOT been saying that he will "never" love me.  That is what I have been HEARING - and this is a common issue between us. We both have a tendency to hear meaning in words, facial expressions and other actions which is implied rather than intended. We work on this constantly. But I am QUITE pleased. When he says he doesn't love me, he means he doesn't love me NOW. And that doesn't mean forever. I can live with the possibility that it will never happen MUCH easier than with the absolute certainty.

My baby birds have left the nest.  They were sweet little critters, and were not around very long.  As I was locking my front door this morning, I heard a shocked gasp come from the yard, and when I turned - I looked straight into the eyes of a full size doe. She was NOT expecting to see me, and she had actually made the sound I heard.  We stared at one another for a moment while I said "OH! I'm so sorry I surprised you. You certainly are beautiful."  Then she bounded down over the hill into the brush.  She had a black mask over her face from her eyes down - I've never seen a marking like that on a deer before.  

I Fucking Hate It when a fast food joint gives me the wrong pop.  I ALWAYS order diet, and when I get regular, it makes me ill.  Too much sugar!  As a result I am trying to remove the skin from my face by pulling my hair.  Not working.  I wish I could throw up. 

Scarlett is at her friend's house - home from her trip. I am SO glad, and can't wait to talk to her.  She didn't have any meds this a.m., so she is mentally incapable of having a conversation on the phone. Thus I must wait until I get home to hear all about her trip.  You people think I'm exaggerating? I. Am. Not.  I'm not shitting you, she cannot get beyond   "Hello? Huh? Uhm..  Library?"  

My sleep study has been moved to tonight.  I don't know why I'm dreading it so, but my god I am.  I just Do.Not.Want. to do this. It was SUCH a pain in the ass last time, and the pain in the ass lasted for several months afterward, while I discussed options with the asshole doctor, got the machine, tried the machine, hated the machine, got sick from the machine, then finally too back the machine.  Do. Not. Want. Machine.   Fuckers. Leave me alone.

Okay. That's it. I am sick-to-puking over this damned pop, I NEED NO SUGAR!!!!


mynewplace: (Default)

May 2017

7 8910111213


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 25th, 2017 02:31 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios