mynewplace: (boohoo)
I am so tired of talking about pain. Physical pain, that causes any joint and muscle to hurt when it's used, causes my knees to seize up if I sit too long, prohibits long periods of standing, makes me ache and bitch and run a fever.

But when pain is all you can think about, it becomes all you can talk about as well. I grow quite silent when I feel like this - the way I do today. No rain threatening, but it's cold enough in this building to make me hurt. The back of my thighs, the knuckles closest to my hands, the outside of my broken foot. If I were to get up and go to the rest room, the knees would set in, along with the ankles, and lets not forget those two scratches between my toes where my cats have freaked out while rubbing against my leg.

Sugar helps a little. I guess I'd better find a bit of Excedrin as well. I hate this, because I can't seem to be happy, and the ache is the primary reason that nothing pleases me. Brent hates to see me unhappy, which I find remarkably endearing, but he doesn't have time to lay down beside me and hold me for about two days while his body heat allows me to come back to myself. That's okay, I don't have time either.

It's supposed to be almost 80 degrees today, but I need a blanket and a hot toddy.


Nov. 6th, 2007 12:49 pm
mynewplace: (Default)
Blah blah blah, I'm a filthy tramp. 

Not really, I just like to say that.  

I had two red mole-like places punched this morning to test for basal cell carcinoma. Two places burned off, and a skin tag clipped.  I bared my breasts to a man of likely Muslim belief who was serving as resident in my dermatologist's office.  My dermatologist is a skinny beautiful woman who wears jeans and no lab coat. She is a MASTER injection artiste, and I felt very little to nothing, despite the punch thingies being done.  One burned place is irritated because it's beneath my clothing and it's rubbing a bit. 


I don't want to talk about looking at property, or jumping through hoops with a mortgage broker. 

I don't want to talk about bad grades and school meetings that are going to be postponed due to scheduling. 

I don't want to talk about the fact that my mother feels "okay" instead of "good". 

Let's see.....

Brent is good.
Money is bad.
Home is warm and cool, appropriately.
I'm currently on five drugs, trying to start #6. 
I want to go home. 

I think that's all. Bleh.


Aug. 9th, 2007 11:22 am
mynewplace: (Default)
I think I know what's wrong with me today.

That makes me one step closer to a cure, right?


I had a crossandwich & tater totties with a diet Coke for breakfast. (of Champions I tell you!)

After sitting here a while I realized there was only one major task facing me this morning. All others seemed to fall away, despite their urgency. I needed to make a phone call that I'd been putting off for several weeks. There is no reason for my reluctance. No punishment if I do or don't dial. No good or bad news forthcoming.

Yet I couldn't bear to pick up the phone. I played solitaire in various forms. I read your journals. I answered your comments, and made comments of my own.

I bought another diet Coke.

I read the news, I watched video broadcasts, I clicked and clicked and clicked.

All the while I've felt like I'm holding myself together under my skin with only my two bare hands. And not succeeding well at that. Almost shivering, completely unable to cope with the thought of the phone call or doing anything else that remotely resembled work.

So I made the phone call. I reported the results in an email to my boss. And I continued to barely hold myself in with my bare hands.

I think I've had too much caffeine.

"Well duh!" you say? Hah. I used to suck it down like water, and require at least four a day just to get home. I'm now down to three because I don't think to drink it as often, and I no longer like the taste. THAT'S WEIRD.

I can't afford to go off caffeine. I'll sleep the entire day. I don't know what I'm going to do.


Jul. 23rd, 2007 03:18 pm
mynewplace: (boohoo)
Fuck this. I'm so damned tired - and not just physically.  

Mentally, I'm tired from chasing rabbits round trees... 

"What if I die?"  
"Why don't I care enough to lose weight?"  
"What am I going to do for daycare when school starts again?" 
"What if Harry dies?"
"I still can't afford this apartment!"
"I saw another roach last night! OMG!"
"I hate this place and I want to go home!"
"I can't stand to listen to that voice for one. more. word. dammit."
"I don't wanna fix dinner."
"Why am I grinding my teeth?" (duh!)

Much as I despise my period, I wish it would just fucking START ALREADY.  

I'm so sick of this pre-surly gurl shit. 

Other'n 'at, my day's gone fairly well.
mynewplace: (crackerplease!)
Taken from the bodacious [personal profile] padiwack
The rules: Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those tagged need to write in their blogs the 7 facts, as well as the rules of the game. You need to tag 7 others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog. Haven't done this for a while so here goes:

1. The table and chairs I use in my dining room originally belonged to my parents, during my mother's FIRST marriage. It's almost as old as I am. It shows no sign of age, but there's paint on the top. I don't mind, I just use a table cloth. My daughter was also conceived in the same bed my mother and father owned during their first marriage.

2. I collect glass eggs. can't resist them, really, have an obsessive need to touch them when I see them in a store. I have eight.

3. I hear baby birds on my doorstep. So do Mitzi & Suzi. I hope they're safely away from my door when I finally leave this afternoon. I'm DYING to peek outside the door. (I peeked. There are four, and they're already fully feathered. OMG!CUTE!)

4. I have a pair of foxes who live in the woods behind my house. Neither is afraid to come out during the day, and the female is remarkably bold. She's come within five feet of me in the field out back.

5. The only reason I really took nude pictures of myself was to figure out if other people thought I was pretty, and to put myself on the market. Now that I'm off the market, I haven't had as much desire to take the pictues. i'm also reluctant to force Brent's hand in taking them, and he doesn't seem that interested in doing so. Which kinda pisses me off. lol

6. I'd rather scrub a toilet than do dishes.

7. Because of the church I was raised in, I never learned to dance. I hate dancing because I feel like an idiot, and that's to be avoided at all costs. I also knew all the words to the entire soundtrack of The Sound of Music before I ever saw the movie - because Disney always showed it on Sunday nights. That was church night, unless my fever was high enough for me to be delirious.

Like [personal profile] padiwackI don't want to tag anyone. It's a free for all, I hope you'll participate!
mynewplace: (Default)
Spent 30 minutes and $80 at the grocery - I finally feel like we have almost enough food to last us until payday. Went to Aldi, which had my FAVORITE hot dogs - Oscar Meyer cheese weenies!!  SO we'll probably fire up the grill this weekend. 

Scarlett's Friday plans were cancelled, and my mother will be out of town for the entire Mother's Day weekend. (she is NOT happy about that)  Thus Scarlett and I are on our own, and I won't be having any sex this weekend.  We might splurge on a matinee or something.

Told my landlord I'd be late with the rent, he was very cool with that. 

Suzi seems to feel a bit better. 

I still have a headache and neck ache, and I might just take a bit of codeine tonight. I've had this head/ear ache for several days now. 

Had potato chips and dip for dinner. So there.
mynewplace: (Default)
Band Aids suck.  

I just tore one off my thigh, where the inseam of my jeans was rubbing a swollen spot, very sore.  I took the band aid off to let the place breathe

And tore the skin of my inner thigh in the process. 

Just tore it. There's a little ripped spot of pink next to the new bandais. (see? you wouldn't believe how many of these words were typed WRONG before I cleaned it up and entered it. And I still missed one!)

And I am so damned sleepy I can't keep my eyes open long enough to type this. Bye ya'll for another day.
mynewplace: (forsythia)
Scott Adams is so bad  bwaahahahahaa

Friday, lunch is over. Brent will come by this afternoon to pick up his car payment book. Don't ask, it's a long boring story.  I may squeeze his tush on his way out since he's off today, and won't be ashamed to tote turgidity around the office all afternoon.  I'm a dirty gurl. *shrug*  The tush is magnificent. I swear.  It leaves the room three seconds after HE does.  Must get pics of the tush.

Am officially done with my job today. Got four and a half more hours to go. Bites bites bites

Beautiful day outside, I need to be on my deck smelling fresh loam.  I'm going to spend a lot of time outside this weekend, with or without Mr. Sluggo. (new name for Brent)  I'm feeling SO COMPELLED to eat right and exercise. WTF is wrong with me?  Seriously!  I've been plotting how I'm going to start walking up my hill every evening after work. I won't make it to the top for a week or two (because that makes me feel like I'm having a heart attack) but I should work my way up in a short period of time.  I'm EVEN thinking of making Brent show me how to fire up his treadmill.  I'll tread while he's nursing his drunkenness in the mornings.  He doesn't wake up with a hangover on the weekends,  because he wakes up drunk.  How'dya like THEM apples?  Me neither. 

I need to get the coolant changed in my car.  I keep forgetting, but I got the money out of the bank today at lunch.  Now to get my ass in gear and DO it. 


Mar. 5th, 2007 09:08 am
mynewplace: (Default)

Morning, morning, tweedle deedle dee!

Hi ya'll.  It's morning, and it's bleedin' cold. Got cold Saturday night, and hasn't really let up. 

My back hurts like a mutherfucker, but it's better than it was this weekend, so I'm okay with it. 

Friday evening Brent and I went to Texas Steakhouse. We got a table in the bar, and gaaaaaaaaaawd those stools were hard. My butt hurt a bit by the time we left, right around my tailbone. But I ignored it because I'm used to my back hurting, you know? I figured it would work itself out overnight, as it usually does. 

It didn't. 

I woke up Saturday morning freakin' MISERABLE. And every time I got up, or sat down, or shifted, sharp pains shot through my back from my tailbone.  So I did what any reasonable person would do; I bitched and moaned, and had a surly demeanor most all weekend. I made Brent rub my butt. We tried ice. We tried different chairs. I couldn't stand heat, so we didn't try that, but the heat from his hand when he rubbed it was wonderful. By Sunday afternoon he was assuming from the look on my face that I was mad and didn't want to go out to eat.  But I did, it was just the pain. 

So I got home Sunday evening, and getting up and down off the sofa was still difficult. It does seem to have let up a bit this morning. Actually the pain has morphed into lower back and glute pain, from all the time I spent trying NOT to flex my back this weekend. I'm stiff and sore, but at least my tailbone isn't screaming any more. 

My first tentative personal diagnosis was that I'd cracked my tailbone sitting on those chairs. I have osteoporosis, so it's not completely impossible to have a stress fracture without impact. However since it caused me no pain when Brent rubbed the spot, we decided it was more likely just deep bruising. Either way, NOT something I want to repeat.  And definitely something which called for coedine.  *sob*

Otherwise my weekend rocked.  We had a great great GREAT day Saturday - went to TWO grocery stores (I was surprised he had the patience for that) and then just pissed around until time to cook. And cooking was SO much fun with him keeping me company in the kitchen. He enjoyed it too. His feelings for me are deepening, and there's a tenderness toward me that I sometimes thought I'd never see.  He appreciates me, AND is starting to look at a real future again. He's only opening his eyes a tiny bit toward that future, and sometimes he still moans and squeezes his eyes shut at the thought of what lies ahead.  He doesn't WANT to straighten up, he doesn't WANT a quiet life, he doesn't WANT children.  I just let him get it all out, because he only says these things now when he's VERY drunk. The rest of the time he is more open to the possibility of a quiet life, because I assure him that it doesn't mean it has to be boring, nor does it mean he has to change his brash, brazen, wild personality.  It doesn't mean he has to stop drinking altogether. I don't know if he'll ever agree to the moderation that I encourage, but I do know that if I were around all the time, he'd let me take more control over what he eats and when he drinks. If he weren't lonely every night, the compulsion wouldn't be as strong.  And THAT is what he's beginning to see. 

All in all, I'm VERY happy with my life right now and with him.

Olive Oyl

Feb. 19th, 2007 03:10 pm
mynewplace: (40)
So the dry skin issue is improving immensely. I laid off pop for two whole days (I know, whoo! /sarcasm)  Every morning this weekend after my shower, I've toweled off and rubbed olive oil all over.  It's working miracles, my skin feels like velvet, and the "greasy' feeling lasts only a few minutes.  PLUS the softness stays all day and well into the evening. I like using it on freshly shaved skin, too. It lasts longer and doesn't burn in those more delicate areas the way most moisturizers do.  I bought some Oil of Olay moisturizer for my face and neck. But I've got an "issue".  Last summer I got a bad burn at the bathing suit line on my chest, and one place in particular got very red and sore. I don't know if it was infected, or pre-cancerous or what. It's come back, this is the second time. So I've rubbed olive oil on it, too, hope it will go away on it's own. I'm not ready to go to a dermatologist. He'll give me hell for the skin on my chest, and probably make me use some alpha-hydroxy stuff or worse. I don't wanna take it down to new skin while it peels like dry feet.  *pout*

Which reminds me:  my facial wrinkles are becoming more noticable in sunlight. I'm going to have to switch makeups, I guess - try and find one of those new foundations that plumps up those tiny lines and wrinkles. They're mostly around my eyes (of COURSE) my makeup seems to make them stand out more. *more pouting*

It's amazing what olive oil can do for your skin and body. I've rubbed it on surgery sites, and they heal with much less scarring than those places where I've used hydrocortisone or antibiotic creams.  Several years ago I found a company that makes olive oil based facial and body cleansers and creams, but I couldn't afford to use them for very long. I've also seen similar things at Drug Emporium, but now that I'm actively LOOKING for it, can't find it any more. Still, my bottle of extra-virgin is doing a great job. 

Let's see. My uncle called and said my mom has been admitted to the hospital. She called me yesterday and said she thought she had pneumonia, it's a good chance she's right. She's got a lot of congestion in her lungs. So Scarlett and I will go down in another hour or two, after she's hopefully been put in a room. 

Scarlett and I have been watching "King Of The Hill" all day.  I LOVE this show.  We only caught the last 15 minutes of my FAVORITE episode of ALL TIME  A Beer Can Named Desire  The Dauterive scenes are better than a freakin' Tennessee Williams play!! I love the way Bill's aunt goes from calling him "Bill" to "William" to eventually "Guillaume".  

Okay, I think I'm done.


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