mynewplace: (Bitch!)
Online life is a tricky thing. You make new friends, some for a while, some for a lifetime; some were friends already and you simply add an additional layer of connection.  Maybe you start out as curious about someone, or romantically attracted, or you have interests in common or friends in common or maybe you're just "OMG TARDIS!" together.

That's okay.  Maybe that's all it ever is, and it's fine and no one wants anything more.  Maybe the other party wanted something more and you tried that on for size and found it didn't fit. Maybe YOU wanted more, and were either silently or politely or not-so-kindly rebuked, but you stayed, and you thought it was okay still.  You might linger as friends or "wanna-bes" for ever.

But what if you don't?  When you go from being interested in what they have to say to being uninterested, you can leave the connections online thinking no one's the wiser if you simply say nothing. Often you're right, no one IS the wiser, that's how journals get abandoned and left on your friends list despite having had no new content since 2005.

But what if it goes further? What if you go from being interested in the writer to no longer willing to tolerate their personal brand of journaling?  What if you don't want to read any more? Sure you can drop them, and say so if they ask.  It's not your responsibility if they have a less than positive emotional response to your decision. You can't control their reaction.  In fact, if you COULD control them, then maybe they wouldn't write things that you no longer find amusing, or no longer find yourself willing to read.

You can take them off your friends list so you don't see their entries without them knowing.  You can ignore their comments in your own journal.  You can even delete the comments if you want to open THAT can of worms.  Or you can just delete them altogether so they can no longer see your entries either, and no longer comment on same.  There's often fallout to that choice.  You've probably experienced it, if you've been on LJ for any length of time.  In fact I would bet that you have experienced both.  You have left and been questioned about it AND someone has left YOU and you've questioned them about it.  Haven't you?  Yes, I know you have. Hopefully you've grown wiser as a result, perhaps grown more kind or empathic or considerate as well.  (Pardon me, have you seen my pity? It was here just moments ago, truly.  I cannot seem to find it - small, fluffy, pink thing, quite warm, gives good hugs? Have you seen it?  Have you seen my pity?  Heeerreee pitypitypity!!)

And it's all just random hypothetical bullshit until someone loses an eye.  Every single person who reads this will have some form of this thought cross their mind while reading "Is she dropping me?"

I love the way Dr. Phil says it - It ain't abooout youuuuuu!!!!!

Cause it ain't.  No. It ain't!  I know you're saying "Yes it is!" But It Ain't. 

Intro Post

Nov. 6th, 2008 02:21 pm
mynewplace: (Bitch!)
Hi ya'll! I’ve added several new friends lately, so I figured I’d give a bit of journal introduction.

My name is Anita, and this is my journal. It’s my entire journal, I don’t post anywhere else any more, and I don’t even GO much of anywhere else any more, web-wise. You should know that I differentiate real life from email/internet/phone/snail-mail only contact. I don't make web-friends and real-friends be SEPARATE, I merely identify them differently to keep them straight in my head.  It’s nothing personal, it’s simply the way I compartmentalize my life. Keeps me sane, so leave it be please.

I love my Live Journal, and I love my friends here. I’ve met some AWESOME people here, and a few who weren’t so awesome, and some who are now mere memories. I’ve got a best friend in real life whom I met here through an LJ friend that neither of us speak to now. Betcha can’t guess who my best friend is, based solely on the last five posts.

I have widely eclectic entries, I make occasional/frequent LOLcat posts, and gratuitous icon posts. I don’t normally post as many photos as you see in the last few posts, but when I have ‘em, I post ‘em.

This is about me.  )

Characters in this journal include: The Boyfriend )

The daughter. Scarlett )

The baby daddy.   Meet the asshat )
Side note: ECKO Red leather tennis shoes for $70 and Coach purses that were practically free make her father pissed, which tickles me TO NO END! Why? Because he’s a former WalMart employee who still shops there. And I fucking hate WalMart because of the way they treat their employees, and refuse to shop there. Do you see where this is going? Good.


My mother.  Oh joy.  The queen. )

Sarcasm. It’s what’s for dinner.

My dad. The old man. )

There is one other major player here. [livejournal.com profile] kokopelleigh , aka Leigh, is that best friend I mentioned up top. We are moral, emotional, and sometimes financial support for one another. She’s awesome people, with loads of her own angst, which makes us PERFECT friends!

Damn. Who knew this would turn out to be a life story? I guess I did. But these are the things you might like to know while reading along here on the roller coaster that is [livejournal.com profile] sapphirescarlet . Please don’t bother to keep your hands and arms inside the car – touch me! bwaahahaha 




EDIT:  Oh dang it!  I plum forgot!  I am also a moderator at [livejournal.com profile] overheardinwv   We loved [livejournal.com profile] overheardnyc  so much that we decided we'd copy it.
 
 
mynewplace: (Default)
People do such kind things.  I almost refrained from mentioning the shift in my account because I was afraid someone would take it as a nudge and pay me up for a few more months.  Thank you to whomever felt the urge to do so.  I am grateful, and once again humbled at the kindness of my friends list.

I made the coffee mug chocolate cake last night.  Scarlett and I ate it, and were only semi-impressed.  It turned out a bit rubbery, which is to be expected when making flour-based dishes in the microwave.  It was also a bit dry, which might have been alleviated by more milk or oil, I'm not sure which.  Once it was turned out of the mug, it was dimpled and had a cave in the center that would have been tasty filled with chocolate syrup, icing, or as Scarlett suggested, flavored cream cheese.  I'm raising her right, I tell you whut!

Have you ever had your sternum crack or pop?  Mine did this morning, it's been a while.  It was a bit of relief.

Leftover baked beans for lunch today.  Look out world! I'm runnin' on nitrogen!
mynewplace: (Default)

My yahoo poetry group provided this prompt last Friday and I have very much enjoyed filling in the blanks and learning about myself.

Thus I am posting it here, and inviting each of you to give it a shot. You certainly don't have to be a writer or poet to complete this meme! It's a lot of fun, so give it a shot and maybe even post the results on your own journal. Or just share them here in comments.

"If you don't know where you're from, you'll have a hard time saying where you're going." Wendell Berry

There are many quotes in the literary world implying we need to understand our roots in order to recognize our place in the world. George Ella Lyons wrote a poem entitled, Where I’m From (you can read the poem here: http://www.carts. org/staff_ poem2.html). A template to prod your own poetic license follows.
 
“Where I'm From”
 
I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.
I am from the _______ (home description. .. adjective, adjective, sensory detail).
I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail)
I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).
I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).
From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).
I am from (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.
I'm from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).
From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).
I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

My personal concoction.... )

Goin' out!

Nov. 30th, 2007 07:56 pm
mynewplace: (happy girl)
I'm still kinda sick, but I don't care.

Danyel said "Chinese!" and I said "I'm THERE!"

So Leigh and Danyel and a few others and me 
are all gonna meet at Taste of Asia and eat a late dinner.

I'm wearing my glasses, so thot I'd snap a couple pics, 
since I said I'd show you.  No question what color my eyes
are in THESE pics. (at least I don't think so)

I might have cut my head off, but I like the first one best.










 

Monday

Nov. 19th, 2007 04:07 pm
mynewplace: (HEH)






I laughed SO FREAKIN' HARD when I saw this!!!
I love the way his voice gets higher every time he
says "I KEEEL YOU!"

I have a lot to say, but then I forget it, or just get busy or just don't care.  The phone call from my dad was stressful, and there will continue to be fallout from that conversation for some time to come.  I keep putting off talking to my sister because I know she's busy.  

I WISH I could have just a day or two where absolutely nothing is required of me, I don't need sleep, and nothing is so desperate to be done that it's driving me out of my mind.  And that includes keeping my boyfriend company.  Even pleasantness is pressure sometimes. But I am enjoying our time together these last few days, and also wish there could be more of them this week.  

weird

Nov. 15th, 2007 08:59 pm
mynewplace: (wildchild)
We've  established that I'm empathic to a degree. Those of you who are new you may click here for a general description of how it works for me.  The "he" I am bonded to is Brent, although the entry linked was written right after he broke up with his ex.  

I don't talk about the empathy much because I've only bonded to a few people. I consider myself fortunate in that respect because I don't handle stress in my own life well, much less the added stress of someone ELSE'S stress.  I can pick up on stuff with my kid most the time, but usually only when we're together.  And that's what this entry is about. 

Scarlett (on purpose) did a flip over the back of the sofa tonight, and lost control of it.  Her back landed on the edge of the sofa and it hurts, but she told me she couldn't breathe, and was grabbing at her throat for a few minutes until she calmed down. I think her chin tucked in too far.     At any rate, she hasn't mentioned it since.  But I've had a feeling all evening of a tight band around my throat, like I'm wearing a mock turtleneck.  I never wear them, because I think I was strangled or hanged in a past life. I can't STAND stuff around my neck. Bleh!

So goes my woo woo for the evening.
mynewplace: (appalachian moon)
Posted by both [personal profile] tinhuviel and [profile] goddess_of_art 

Comment on this post and I will pick seven of your interests. You then explain them in your journal and re-post.



Andrew Greeley - I stumbled across Andrew Greeley due to an intriguing book cover. He's a novelist, Catholic priest, and sociologist. I am intrigued by his frank expression of sexuality among his characters, I love the way he portrays teenagers and it's clear he loves women. he sometimes speaks of God as a woman, as well as most of the Heavenly Host, and he is fascinated by teenage girls. And no, I don't think that's creepy at all.  I love him. His faith is so down to earth that he's often set an example for my belief.
Fred and George Weasley  - Aaah, the joy of twins. Two characters from the Harry Potter series, mischevious, intelligent, and redheaded. Who could ask for more in a fictional crush?
Kiefer Sutherland - Absolutely Tears. Me. Up.  His voice, his eyes, his hair, his jaw. That smirk, the softness I know is inside. Just. Uhh. I want to fuck him.  Yes I does precious.
Swallowing - *blush*.   It's what I do.  I perform fellatio that causes grown men to weep.  And that's part of the reason why.
Thunderstorms - LOOOOVE THEM!  They refresh me like nothing else.  I think I must absorb nitrates from the air or something.  The louder, and harder the thunder, the happier I am.
WC Fields - Funny, funny man!  You can't be a Mae West fan and not appreciate WC Fields.  He's campy, and hates children. What's not to like?
West Virginia - I love my home.  I've tried to leave, and it feels so wrong that I have been forced to return.  There's a relief that comes over me when I see the hills surround me, crossing the state line.

and

kids in the hall - Hilarious.  Brilliant comedy, and they've gone on to great things.
kiefer sutherland - see above
avalon - A dream where various beliefs meet.  I first read Mists of Avalon when I was in my 20's. It was nothing more than a fictional account of old beliefs. I read it because I had been engrossed in the King Arthur stories for quite some time, and wanted to know more about his sister.  Avalon satisfied that for me.  When I began to explore more feminine beliefs, the ideas expressed in Zimmer Bradley's books stirred my thoughts. Even though I claim the Christianity as my belief system, it's merely a base for me. I've built upon it to answer my own need for Holy feminine guidance.
magic - I'm a firm believer.  I've never seen it manifested as you see it in the movies, but I've felt myself draw power from the unseen world surrounding me.  I would love to see magic manifested by others.
gnosticism - This is a belief system that fascinates me, and rings remarkably true in my mind.  The belief that knowledge is the way to salvation seems to be the primary basis.  I am still forming an opinion on this belief system.
muppets - Grew up in the 70's.  I followed Kermit the Frog from Sesame Street to The Muppet Show, through his movies. I'm still a huge fan. If I were to request a t.v. series on dvd, it would be The Muppet Show.  (And Laugh-In.)
the beach - Love it. Don't want to live there, but LOVE to visit.  The food is fresher, the air is delightful, the sound of the waves is so soothing.  I love finding shells and other treasure on the beach.  I love catching a thunderstorm while I'm down there. I hate sand in my underwear. But who doesn't?
 
mynewplace: (Default)






It's mah birfday! It's mah birfday!

Happy Birfday! Happy Birfday!

And it's RAINING!
Glorious warm rain that I can listen to
while I go BACK TO BED!!
WHAAAAHOOO!!!!
 


I even got roses! awwwww......

Wednesday

Aug. 22nd, 2007 10:48 am
mynewplace: (40)
This will probably have to be two entries. I'm a member of 40-something, and OMG it's flooded now that it's in the spotlight.  It's nice that we've got loads of new members, but every single ONE of them is posting, and posting again, and then others post to copy that post, and its a bit tiresome. I guess that's awful of me to complain, but I think I liked it better when people just responded to posts, with links to their own journals.
 
The 40-something group is currently doing a meme regarding your life in sevens, or eights, or whathave you. I like that idea, so I'm going to give it a shot.  There are a lot of references in here to other posts I've made, but I'm at work. I don't have time to do the linkage right now.
 
mynewplace: (wild cougar)
This constructed itself in my head while I drove this morning. 
For some reason I felt compelled to include
a few images. 




Thursday

Aug. 2nd, 2007 10:48 am
mynewplace: (sapphy)
I'm sitting here eating Parsnip Chips by Terra. I adore them, although I'm not fond of parsnips. I also love their mixed ones, and the spiced sweet potato. Sure, they're deep fried, but there are no transfats. And there's about 900 calories in a bag, but I don't eat them all in one day. Not usually anyway.

Two bridges collapse in two days. It's a scary thing, and so sad. [profile] smiteboy , I hope you and your friend are okay.

I'm having dinner with [profile] skyearthandsea after work today!  I love Shoneys, and I can't remember what Thursdays buffet is, but yum anyway.  She's going to loan me her second copy of The Deathly Hallows, and I'm SO damned excited!  Scarlett is coming home Friday evening for the weekend, so maybe I'll read it out loud.  She's been assigned a book to read during the summer for discussion (and testing I bet) during English class this fall.  It's called The Wanderer.  She hasn't read it yet, and she's lost the copy I bought her, so she's checking it out from the library.  I'm going to have to read it in order to help her remember crucial parts, etc.  Although she reads quickly, and frequently, I've found that she doesn't retain the information and seems to skip a lot. She reads the Harry Potter books over and over, but still doesn't recall major scenes. So I'm thinking if I can read it too, and encourage her to read it more than once, she might have a chance and improve her retention. 

Brent told me he loved me last night.  Yes, he was drunk.  No, he didn't mean it "that way".  I appreciate his efforts to allow himself to feel again, because he's opened up to me so much that I find it frustrating to hear him continue to say things like "I'll never marry," and "I've closed off my heart."  I try so hard to be patient, but I don't think he realizes what an effort it takes.  He did not shut the door on the possibility of coming to love me more and in a different fashion.  I have trouble differentiating his gratitude from his affection.  He believes that because I think his kindness is from gratitude that I therefore assume he doesn't care. That's just not true. I've never presumed that he doesn't care for me - I know he does, and has for some time.  Sometimes I wish that we could just sit down and discuss all this and work out our differences in thought. But there's no opportunity for that.  I have an aversion to hearing "I love you" when he's drunk.  And he has an aversion to emotional discussion when he's sober.  I know I need to quit obsessing and just enjoy the time together. And I know that my reasons for being unable to do so are based on past experience. In life I tend to expect no major catastrophes and I tend to approach catastrophes calmly with an attitude that appears to be indifference to the naked eye.  I've taught myself to be this way.  However, in romance, I'm just the opposite. 

I'm feeling much better after only a couple of days back on the Lamictal.  In combination with the Cymbalta, it gives me more pep in the mornings, and it lasts most the afternoon. It would last VERY well if I could take a NAP in the afternoon.  I'm also drinking less Diet Coke, and managing to have about 8-12 oz of ice water between each caffeinated drink.  Anyway, by the end of the work day I'm bushed. That's not so good. It will be especially bad once school starts.  I'm going to have to figure out something. 

Last night I woke up at 3 a.m. with horrible pain in my jaws. It made me feel like my entire body hurt, and I couldn't lay on either side without pain.  So I got up and took half a Lortab, sat in the recliner to wait it out without putting pressure on my face, and headed back to bed about 30 minutes later. I slept well the rest of the night, but I'm worried about my usage. I need to count my pills to see how many I've taken since I got them.  

I can't get my hair straight without frizz. Damned humidity. I need a haircut, and I want a fucking pedicure.  I have a little extra money this payday, I might get a pedi.  No haircut for me yet, tho. They are more expensive and time consuming. My hairdresser opened a shop in her home, and it's in the next county. Feh.

My hands are icy cold. I get cold EVERY morning in this office, no matter the temperature outside, and usually end up using my space heater and turning off the air in my office. Most the time when I go out for lunch, I don't even turn on the air conditioner in my car until I've driven a few blocks. But by the time I get back, I'm "glowy" and have to turn on the air in here.  It's bizarre. But that's the least bizarre thing my body does.  I'm not going to go into it because you all would probably freak out and tell me to go to a doctor. I already know that.
 
Okay. I think I'm done for now.

Generosity

Jul. 20th, 2007 02:07 pm
mynewplace: (bunny)
Isn't generosity a wonderful personality trait?  Do you have it? Or do you don't? 

I've decided that generosity is a learned behavior that can be acquired if you choose to do so.  Children who experience generosity, mercy and forgiveness from their parents are often generous even at an early age. But to learn the trait requires a forgiving heart and a willingness to perform random acts where there is no return and often no gratitude. 

Why must you have those things? Why can't you just be generous to those whom you love, or who are generous to you?

Because that's not generosity; that's love in the first case, and retribution in the second. 

I have an uncle who was hurt many years ago when his first son was born with brain damage that has caused him to be severely handicapped.  He had two children after that who are quite wonderful. But because of that first hurt and subsequent hurts in his life, he is not capable of forgiveness. His lack of forgiveness has driven a wedge between him and his only daughter which breaks her heart to this day.  Forgiveness is an awesome aspect of generosity for it requires you to be generous with your patience and kindness instead of with material objects or affection.  

The best way I've found to become generous is to practice patience (which does indeed require practice) give people a wide berth and benefit of doubt in traffic, and consider very carefully what I allow to make me angry. Is it going to matter in ten minutes, ten months or ten years? Probably not.  This was hard at first, but learning to do the traffic thing allowed me to learn most of the other things more easily. And talk about calmness! I have become so much more calm since I learned to let people in front of me. You know - most people in your daily life who piss you off are barely aware that you exist.  Even if you are quite aware of the people around you, you don't know their mental or emotional state. It's often impossible to know how your actions affect strangers. And when you remember that you're a stranger to most people you encounter, it kinda puts perspective on their inconsiderate actions.

Brent often comments on my generosity to him.  What he doesn't seem to realize is I'm generous to most everyone, and that's why it's been so easy to be generous to him even during those months when he was an asswipe to me.  He is now quite generous to me as well. it's endearing but I've noticed sometimes it wanes, and that has made me wonder about why. This is where the theory has developed about the requirement of a forgiving heart and random acts. He really needs to calm down and stop taking everything that happens to him as a personal affront. But you can't really TELL someone to do that - it's a decision they must make for themselves and work on inside their own mind.

Isn't my journal the weirdest mix of random nonsense, philosophy, sex and whining?
mynewplace: (Default)

Okay, so I'm empathic. It doesn't work with everyone, and it doesn't work all the time. Thank God, because I couldn't stand it if I picked up emotion from everyone around me, I work in a building with 600 people, for cryinoutloud.

For the purposes of clarification, let's call the emotion I receive from others 'feedback'. Most the time it just helps me clue into how someone is taking my words, what they need to hear from me, how they're feeling in general. Sometimes it is much like feedback on a speaker system, loud and grating and nonsensical. I give off feedback as well.

cut for over-analyzation that is making me late for work )

First Love

May. 14th, 2005 06:37 pm
mynewplace: (Heart)
I was a tiny girl, a week shy of seven, small for my age with dark hair, big green eyes and horn-rimmed glasses when I stepped into Mrs. Hunt’s classroom for the first day of school. I was scared. My mommy had just remarried and we had just moved to a new house a month before I started second grade. I had two new friends who were older than me, who lived on my street. They each had little brothers who were in my class, and for some strange reason, these two boys didn’t like me. Not like the boys I’d known at my old house.
To avoid messing up your friends page )

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